-Written by Dawn Ringer, MFT Intern
“We can never have a serious conversation!” “She never has time for me!” “He never helps with the housework!” Any of these complaints sound familiar? We all get frustrated with our partners at some point in our relationships. How different these statements are from the statements we make about our partners when we first fall in love. “She has the best sense of humor.” “I love how she takes such good care of her friends and family.” “He really knows how to relax and have fun!” On first glance, these two sets of statements may seem like polar opposites, but looking more closely you may find that they are not so unrelated. The joking you loved when you started dating, may now seem to be the root of all your relationship problems. Your partners constant care taking of others may now be getting in the way of the two of you spending time together. What is one of your deepest frustrations with your partner? What attracted you to your partner when you first met? Do you see any commonalities?
If you were to make a list of the things you love about your partner and the things that frustrate you, you may start to notice they are not so different. Why then do we pick the people we pick? One reason is that some of the traits that attract us are representative of lost pieces of ourselves. We all get messages from our caregivers growing up that shape our values, beliefs, and behavior. These messages encourage some aspects of our being and discourage others. For instance, you may have gotten all your mom’s attention when you sat and read books together, but were told repeatedly to, “Sit still” or “Lower your voice.” Is it now surprising that you value your thinking skills and hold in the more physical side of yourself? As human beings though, we are not just thinkers, we also have physical, emotional, and sensing sides that need to be expressed. The light bulbs should be going on now. One reason we choose our partners is that we see in them traits we have lost in ourselves!
So why does this cause problems later in the relationship? That is because we still carry with us those messages from childhood. We still hear in our heads, “Stop wasting time fooling around and study” or “Lower your voice!”. It is then that your partners “contagious laugh” becomes “loud and embarrassing” or his passion for fun feels like a distraction from an important conversation or task. All you want now is for her to laugh more quietly or him to be serious. You want your partner to change!
So how has that been working for you? Probably not well as the sense of humor is a core aspect of your partner and would be difficult if not impossible to change. Worse yet, if she did change, you probably would not be attracted to her anymore. Does this mean you need to leave the relationship and find someone else? No, not necessarily. Chances are you would choose a similar personality type again because you will still be attracted to the same traits. The solution then is not to change your environment or your partner, but to begin a change within yourself. This self-examination can be done through couples or individual counseling. Within this framework, a skilled, supportive therapist can assist you in discovering why you choose who you choose. You will also learn how to use this information to improve your current relationship, or to ensure better relationships in the future. By looking at what your frustrations say about you, and not what they say about your partner, you can change, “Please be serious for once” back into “I love how you make me laugh”.
Dawn Ringer is an MFT Intern (Reg. # 93899) working with individuals and couples under Carine Keenan, LMFT#80427 at Woodland Hills Counseling. Dawn works on a sliding fee scale. Please call for a free 20-minute consultation. Start improving your relationships today!
If you were to make a list of the things you love about your partner and the things that frustrate you, you may start to notice they are not so different. Why then do we pick the people we pick? One reason is that some of the traits that attract us are representative of lost pieces of ourselves. We all get messages from our caregivers growing up that shape our values, beliefs, and behavior. These messages encourage some aspects of our being and discourage others. For instance, you may have gotten all your mom’s attention when you sat and read books together, but were told repeatedly to, “Sit still” or “Lower your voice.” Is it now surprising that you value your thinking skills and hold in the more physical side of yourself? As human beings though, we are not just thinkers, we also have physical, emotional, and sensing sides that need to be expressed. The light bulbs should be going on now. One reason we choose our partners is that we see in them traits we have lost in ourselves!
So why does this cause problems later in the relationship? That is because we still carry with us those messages from childhood. We still hear in our heads, “Stop wasting time fooling around and study” or “Lower your voice!”. It is then that your partners “contagious laugh” becomes “loud and embarrassing” or his passion for fun feels like a distraction from an important conversation or task. All you want now is for her to laugh more quietly or him to be serious. You want your partner to change!
So how has that been working for you? Probably not well as the sense of humor is a core aspect of your partner and would be difficult if not impossible to change. Worse yet, if she did change, you probably would not be attracted to her anymore. Does this mean you need to leave the relationship and find someone else? No, not necessarily. Chances are you would choose a similar personality type again because you will still be attracted to the same traits. The solution then is not to change your environment or your partner, but to begin a change within yourself. This self-examination can be done through couples or individual counseling. Within this framework, a skilled, supportive therapist can assist you in discovering why you choose who you choose. You will also learn how to use this information to improve your current relationship, or to ensure better relationships in the future. By looking at what your frustrations say about you, and not what they say about your partner, you can change, “Please be serious for once” back into “I love how you make me laugh”.
Dawn Ringer is an MFT Intern (Reg. # 93899) working with individuals and couples under Carine Keenan, LMFT#80427 at Woodland Hills Counseling. Dawn works on a sliding fee scale. Please call for a free 20-minute consultation. Start improving your relationships today!
