“You are so passive-aggressive!” It is rare I don’t hear this over used accusation in one of my couples or family sessions, especially when these clients have just begun therapy. The truth is, while passive – aggressiveness has a role in negative inter relationship communication, there are other communication styles which are equally detrimental and play out in couple, family, or work place relationships. There are 4 types of communicators:
Here is a scenario which illustrates the 4 communication styles. Suppose your partner calls for you across the room to get them a soda and neglects to say please. Suppose further that when you don’t get up right away (because you are doing something else), your partner proceeds to badger and criticize you for being inattentive. If you were a passive communicator, you would feel annoyed, angry, or hurt, but you would get them the soda anyway. If you were passive aggressive, you would adopt the same passive behavior described above with one caveat: you would madly shake the can of soda before handing it over so that opening the can would result in volcanic spewing of soda everywhere. If you were an aggressive communicator, you would scream back “get it yourself” and start an argument attacking their character while perhaps throwing the soda at them. If you chose to communicate assertively, you would say something like “Please ask nicely and say please because I like doing nice things for you. I understand the you are across the room and need to speak loudly. When you say please, I feel appreciated. If you feel you can’t or won’t ask nicely and say please, maybe it would be better to get the soda for yourself.”
The goal of assertive communication is to listen, be heard, and feel respected. Although assertive communication is preferable, it does not guarantee that one will get their first choice all the time. It is entirely possible that you could communicate your needs very assertively, but still be thwarted from getting what you want. In these instances, the best outcome of assertive communication is to agree to disagree. This is still a win because listening, being heard, and feeling respected is communication which is hallmark to better, more fulfilling relationships.
Since relationships are at the core of connection and wellbeing, and healthy communication is important to thriving relationships, assertive communication training is a vital part of individual, couples, and family therapy. After describing the 4 communication styles, I find that clients have sufficient insight to recognize their styles and change them if necessary. This small change in and of itself can help to improve relationship and sets the stage for deeper and more meaningful therapy.
- Passive communicators are very indirect in their communication. Since needs and desires are not directly expressed; passive communicators go with their needs unmet. They don’t ruffle feathers, make waves, and tend to suck it up to keep the peace; however, they often feel like a doormat and grow resentful.
- Passive – aggressive communicators are also very indirect in their communication. While they outwardly appear peace keeping and passive, they often need to manipulate or become covertly hostile or aggressive to communicate what they want or how they feel. Because they are so indirect and manipulative, people are often confused by what they really want.
- Aggressive communicators are direct, open, and bold in pushing their agenda – they bully or tirade to get their needs met. Unfortunately, this happens at the expense of their partner, family member, friend, or co – worker and can result in the end of the relationship or employment.
- Assertive communicators are respectful, direct, and clear. This is the most effective style of communication as there is a higher chance of being heard, respected, and getting needs met.
Here is a scenario which illustrates the 4 communication styles. Suppose your partner calls for you across the room to get them a soda and neglects to say please. Suppose further that when you don’t get up right away (because you are doing something else), your partner proceeds to badger and criticize you for being inattentive. If you were a passive communicator, you would feel annoyed, angry, or hurt, but you would get them the soda anyway. If you were passive aggressive, you would adopt the same passive behavior described above with one caveat: you would madly shake the can of soda before handing it over so that opening the can would result in volcanic spewing of soda everywhere. If you were an aggressive communicator, you would scream back “get it yourself” and start an argument attacking their character while perhaps throwing the soda at them. If you chose to communicate assertively, you would say something like “Please ask nicely and say please because I like doing nice things for you. I understand the you are across the room and need to speak loudly. When you say please, I feel appreciated. If you feel you can’t or won’t ask nicely and say please, maybe it would be better to get the soda for yourself.”
The goal of assertive communication is to listen, be heard, and feel respected. Although assertive communication is preferable, it does not guarantee that one will get their first choice all the time. It is entirely possible that you could communicate your needs very assertively, but still be thwarted from getting what you want. In these instances, the best outcome of assertive communication is to agree to disagree. This is still a win because listening, being heard, and feeling respected is communication which is hallmark to better, more fulfilling relationships.
Since relationships are at the core of connection and wellbeing, and healthy communication is important to thriving relationships, assertive communication training is a vital part of individual, couples, and family therapy. After describing the 4 communication styles, I find that clients have sufficient insight to recognize their styles and change them if necessary. This small change in and of itself can help to improve relationship and sets the stage for deeper and more meaningful therapy.
