“So happy together” …this was a hit in the 60s by a group called the Turtles.  Great lyrics, but hard to sustain, even with good times. As many are seeing, there is such as thing as too much together.

With the new corona virus restrictions of social distancing and quarantine, many couples are having some challenges with togetherness while both partners are home 24/7.   As you may be aware, there was a spike in the divorce rate filings in China as couples came out of quarantine. One reason was the inability to navigate isolated togetherness well.  

Here are a few tips to make the next few weeks of togetherness manageable.

You are not alone.  It can help to know that many couples are experiencing challenges since they are now together at all times.

Create a schedule of time together and time apart.  You do not have to do everything together.  As a matter of fact, it may be damaging if you do.  That said, schedule and communicate “screen time” and “cave time” and “Netflix binge time” so that no one feels cheated.  Set clear working hours (do not interrupt) if you are working from home.

Work.  If possible, it is advisable to occupy different parts of the house to get work done in order to limit distraction.  Let each other know what you need. Try to keep a common negative free zone. Create joint and separate breaks. Use headphones to not disturb each other. Communicate about special projects if they will require more time.  Stop at the end of the workday for together time and do something you both enjoy. Aim to create balance.

Team mindset.  Scoring toilet paper and sanitizer now can be a win for both of you.   Other team wins are refinancing the house, taking on a project, and collecting your tax refund.  This also applies to division of labor – you are both using the house now, so a team approach to tidying up, cooking, and laundry makes it better for all.   

Invest time individually on your hobbies.  This can include reading, gardening, painting, whatever makes your heart sing!  Share your creation when you are spending time together.

Get creative with “dates”.  It might mean a walk outside, a Netflix movie, cooking something new together, or going online and doing a museum or national park tour.  

Create a nice space together.  Light some candles, put on background music, dance.

Support each other’s health.  Remember good health for each of you is good health for both of you.  Aim for good nutrition and rest habits. If one of you becomes symptomatic,  practice loving care with necessary physical boundaries and precautions.

Speak kindly.  Because of other stresses, it will take longer to put out flare ups.  Be mindful of your words. Step away if you are about to speak unkindly.  If you notice your partner stepping away for this reason, let them. Resist mindreading.

Emotions are contagious.  If you are putting out cynical and irritable vibes, consider stepping away and telling your partner you care for them too much to take out your negative feelings on the relationship.  This is caring, not withdrawing. Be aware that stress may cause you to project and displace negative feelings on neutral partners. Try not to do this. When you do, acknowledge it.

Flare ups.  If a flare up does start, acknowledge you are in a stressful situation and agree on a time to discuss later when neither of you are hungry, angry/annoyed, lonely, or tired.  Then, talk about what is bothering you using your therapeutic tools. Remember “I” statements make everything sound less like an attack.  

Sense of humor.  Laughter lowers stress and increases wellbeing – try to see the humor in even some of the most shocking developments (toilet paper shortage, staying in pajamas, spacing out personal grooming appointments.)

Find support sooner than later.  If, despite the above, issues get too big, enlist the help of a couple’s therapist.  Therapists are well equipped right now to handle couple’s angst and issues through telehealth.  Telehealth uses online, phone, or email communication to provide counseling and therapy to those who are quarantined or unable to travel to the therapist’s office.  Sessions are delivered over HIPAA compliant technology so that your sessions are private and confidential. While not the same as face to face counseling, telehealth can go a long way to diffuse future resentments and conflicts before the quarantine is lifted so that relationships may emerge relatively unscathed.    

​This current quarantine is urgent, but temporary.  Take the steps to protect your relationship now. I am dedicated to helping couples emerge from the quarantine happy, healthy, and together.

Warmly,
Carine

Dear Friends, 

I hope you are doing ok.  I hope you are well and free from coronavirus.   If you are safe at home, working at home, or sharing space at home with others, read on for some useful tips.  

Remember, this is social distancing, not social disengagement.  It is important to stay connected. .   

As a matter of fact, engagement is more important now than ever as many of us are confined to our homes either by choice or by order.  Humans are social animals with an innate need to connect; so, staying connected is going to be fundamental to wellbeing while we survive these times.  We need to be creative on how to achieve it. Here are some ideas:

Give blood: The American Red Cross has reported a critical blood shortage.  If you are healthy and able, donating blood goes a long way in helping and building a sense of connection with other humans.

Get Dressed and Make your Bed First Thing in the Morning:  Behaving like you have purpose will create a sense of purpose.

Structure and Routine:  Wake up at predictable and reasonable times.  Create a schedule.

Shop for the elderly or vulnerable:  if you have a neighbor, friend, or relative who is having a difficult time getting out, add their needs to your list the next time you go out.  Many stores have shortages which are replenished the next day and it is difficult for the vulnerable to go out several times a week. Not only is this a good deed, doing things for others instills a sense of control and empowerment.

Call your friends/family:  Have conversations.   Many of them. Texting is great, but the flow of conversation which happens from a phone call or facetime is irreplaceable.  Family zoom or facetime calls are fun (provided you enjoy your family).

Go outdoors:  Going outdoors resets the brain. Focus on nature, look for rainbows, observe the green, look for signs of Spring.  Just 30 minutes of outdoors can reset the brain and boost energy.

Walk/move your body:  If you are in good health, walking and moving your body improves your health AND your mood.  If you walk with a friend, remember social distance.

Hydration/nutrition:  You know what’s good for you.   Now is not the time to skimp.

Clean out garage/closet:  Your trash is someone else’s treasure.  Donate clothes/shoes/books to shelters.   Many shelters are taking care of the less fortunate and those who are dealing with domestic violence.  This is a good deed which can go a long way.

Family/friend/roommate time:  If you have family/friends at home who are well, try to have game or movie time.  OR binge watch a show you all love. Try it without everyone looking at their screens.

Make/send cards for the vulnerable:  Convalescent homes have closed their doors to visitors for now.  Creating a card can go a long way to brighten someone else’s day.  This is a great activity with kids at home too!

Activities/puzzles/paint by number/LEGOs: anything which takes concentration and is creative.

Fun things on the internet:  Museum tours and national park tours are now available on the internet.  You can log in with a friend and face time as you observe museums and the beauty of national parks. You can even do 25 Disneyland rides!  Google away to find these “getaways”.

Social media:  This is a mixed bag – LOTS of info which is just depressing and SCARY – SCROLL BY.  There are lots of funny memes and uplifting stories which can help you feel connected to your friends.  Put your attention (and comments) there. If you can’t do this, it’s better to avoid altogether.

Practice gratitude daily:  These are hard times, but it can always be worse.  It is helpful to think of 3 things we are grateful for.  Spend one minute each day thinking/reflecting/writing one individual thing about your life which brings you joy.  Do this for 3 things each day.

Limit your ingestion of news and news outlets:  Choose one or two news outlets you trust and check in with them at specific times of the day. Not 24/7.  Yes, it is important to be informed but being focused on the negative news will slowly leave no room for anything else which will have you feeling better.  It will also increase the cortisol (stress hormone) which reduces your immunity.

Cut yourself some slack:  Plan small things which give you a sense of normalcy and control and be patient with big things which may need more time.   For those who are now working at home, it takes awhile to get into your flow. Motivation in the beginning can be low because of the feeling that there is now a lot of time.  Try to create a schedule which includes outdoor and down time and time to check in with others.  

Procrastination:  It’s easy to procrastinate when you feel you have tons of time and unpleasant or scary tasks.  I use a 2-minute rule. If it takes 2 minutes or less, I just do it now. For things which will take longer, I tell myself I will start in 2 minutes.  Usually starting can end the procrastination. Behave as if you have purpose and meaning.

Mental wellness:  If you are already struggling with depression, anxiety, or OCD, understand that you may be triggered by the uncertainty.  Use therapeutic tools such as breathing exercises, grounding exercises, muscle relaxation, and evidence for automatic negative thoughts.  If things get difficult, please reach out. Therapists, in accordance with shelter in place, are equipped to provide telehealth. Telehealth uses online, phone, or email communication to provide counseling and therapy to those who are quarantined or unable to travel to the therapist’s office.  Sessions are delivered over HIPAA compliant technology so that your sessions are private and confidential. While not the same as face to face sessions, telehealth can go a long way in re-establishing connection with yourself and help you find the purpose and meaning which will help you survive this quarantine and beyond.  

These are just a few things I have researched that have worked well for others.  Please let me know what works for you.  

Sending good thoughts of good health your way,

Carine

Ah, Valentine's Day…what comes to mind when you think of a happy Valentine's Day? Is it boxes of chocolate, beautiful cards, long stemmed roses, and kissing until you drift off into some sunset with waves crashing in the background?  While these are all nice, I'm afraid this advertisement and marketing perspective of the holiday (created by industries that profit in the billions) make ordinary couples feel like they are either not doing it right, or don't have a love relationship that is special.  And it makes couples who are experiencing hard times feel even worse.  Here are a few tips to make the day happier:

Think of what the day means to you.  If it's a day of love, there is much you can do to give to others to deflect the focus on you.  Give a teacher a card, give a donation to the heart association, address a card/care package to the military, send balloons to a good friend, or have chocolates on your desk.  As always, giving to others creates an internal sense of wellbeing and elevated mood that automatically makes your day a happier one.

Resist the temptation of using this day as test of how much your partner cares.  So many people get disappointed because what they thought were gestures of love didn't happen from their partner on Valentine's Day.  Value is generally not determined by one point in time, and the same goes for value in relationships.  So if it's not your favorite restaurant or if your partner did not remember your favorite flower or candy, do not take that alone as a sign that the relationship is doomed.  Look to the big picture to assess the quality of your relationship.  

Use the day to introduce new traditions which will build the relationship.  Rather than sit back  and wonder why romantic things are not happening, get up and create romantic gestures on your own!  A silly note, a romantic text, and a surprise massage go a long way in creating the romance you crave.

Communicate openly about what you would like.  Although this seems like a no-brainer, you would be amazed at how many people expect their partner to read their mind and know what they want or need to feel special.  I can't tell you how many times I hear people say "He/she should know" or "Wouldn't you think after 15 years of a relationship __________".  Everyone defines romance differently, so assertively share what defines romance for you ahead of time.     

Enjoy shared experiences which excite you both.  Shared experiences go a long way in bolstering relationships.  That could be a reasonable dinner at a meaningful place or going to a museum or play which you both enjoy.  Or, maybe it's a glass of wine after putting the kids to bed.  Remember the point is to be together, because time spent on each other is a valuable gift in and of itself. 

Keep your perspective.  What is the real meaning of your relationship to you? If it's about those thousands of wonderful moments which happen all the other days, then Valentine's Day is a very small fraction of what it means to be in a happy relationship.

So how do you survive this day of love when you are in a relationship and you both feel anything but connected and loving?  Of course, this happens and when it does, it is best to make the best of the day, knowing the 15th will be here soon.  Do not peruse dating websites, contact old flames, or do anything to undermine the relationship!   Rather, have a candid discussion with your partner about the need for a reboot relationship weekend or long-term couples counseling, and then book it.  These things generally do not get better on their own and the next Valentine's Day will be here before you know it!   

​“You are so passive-aggressive!”  It is rare I don’t hear this over used accusation in one of my couples or family sessions, especially when these clients have just begun therapy.  The truth is, while passive – aggressiveness has a role in negative inter relationship communication, there are other communication styles which are equally detrimental and play out in couple, family, or work place relationships.  There are 4 types of communicators:
​

• Passive communicators are very indirect in their communication.  Since needs and desires are not directly expressed; passive communicators go with their needs unmet.  They don’t ruffle feathers, make waves, and tend to suck it up to keep the peace; however, they often feel like a doormat and grow resentful. 
• Passive – aggressive communicators are also very indirect in their communication.  While they outwardly appear peace keeping and passive, they often need to manipulate or become covertly hostile or aggressive to communicate what they want or how they feel.  Because they are so indirect and manipulative, people are often confused by what they really want. 
• Aggressive communicators are direct, open, and bold in pushing their agenda – they bully or tirade to get their needs met.  Unfortunately, this happens at the expense of their partner, family member, friend, or co – worker and can result in the end of the relationship or employment. 
• Assertive communicators are respectful, direct, and clear.  This is the most effective style of communication as there is a higher chance of being heard, respected, and getting needs met. 

Here is a scenario which illustrates the 4 communication styles.  Suppose your partner calls for you across the room to get them a soda and neglects to say please.   Suppose further that when you don’t get up right away (because you are doing something else), your partner proceeds to badger and criticize you for being inattentive.  If you were a passive communicator, you would feel annoyed, angry, or hurt, but you would get them the soda anyway.   If you were passive aggressive, you would adopt the same passive behavior described above with one caveat: you would madly shake the can of soda before handing it over so that opening the can would result in volcanic spewing of soda everywhere.   If you were an aggressive communicator, you would scream back “get it yourself” and start an argument attacking their character while perhaps throwing the soda at them.  If you chose to communicate  assertively, you would say something like “Please ask nicely and say please because I like doing nice things for you.   I understand the you are across the room and need to speak loudly.  When you say please, I feel appreciated.  If you feel you can’t or won’t ask nicely and say please, maybe it would be better to get the soda for yourself.”

The goal of assertive communication is to listen, be heard, and feel respected.  Although assertive communication is preferable, it does not guarantee that one will get their first choice all the time.  It is entirely possible that you could communicate your needs very assertively, but still be thwarted from getting what you want.  In these instances, the best outcome of assertive communication is to agree to disagree.  This is still a win because listening, being heard, and feeling respected is communication which is hallmark to better, more fulfilling relationships. 

Since relationships are at the core of connection and wellbeing, and healthy communication is important to thriving relationships, assertive communication training is a vital part of individual, couples, and family therapy.  After describing the 4 communication styles, I find that clients have sufficient insight to recognize their styles and change them if necessary.   This small change in and of itself can help to improve relationship and sets the stage for deeper and more meaningful therapy.
 

The function of any wall is to keep things from outside getting in, and things from the inside getting out.

The word “wall” has recently become both penetratingly evocative and overwhelmingly divisive.  It is a word over which opposing sides have begun to make deplorable character judgments at best and terminate relationships at worst.  It is a loaded buzzword over which comedians have poked fun at and created skits.  It is a concept which has become the theme in our favorite TV show episodes and award nominated films.  

Unlike the recent debates over the U.S and its boundaries with Mexico, this blog references the metaphorical wall which is everywhere in our contemporary world.  This wall is so pervasive, so routine, so convenient and necessary, we do not give it a thought. You might ask, “What wall? Where is it?  I don’t see any wall!”  To answer this question, you need look no further than the palm of your hand.  That’s right, the smart phone! This gadget immediately puts entertainment, photos, videos, phone numbers, math, or directions at our fingertips and we are unwilling to live without it, even if it takes on the function of a wall.  Remember the function of a wall is to keep things from outside getting in, and things from the inside getting out.  Turns out, our smart phones behave like a technological moat which separates people from each other.

Smart phones have inhibited connection between people in five critical ways.  First, they have changed the way people communicate.  Instead of talking on the phone, most people nowadays are half engaged in text “conversations” which are both distracted and marked by abbreviated thoughts and sentences.  Sometimes they are engaged in multiple conversations at one time!  Second, they have changed the way people meet. Instead of being introduced by friends or common interests,  “swipes” on your smart phone bring potential meet ups to one’s device.  Such things as eye contact, smiling, laughing, and spending time have been replaced with swipe, text, chat, and hook up, often without knowing the sound of each other’s voices, let alone knowing the person you are with. Third, they undermine and jeopardize intimate relationships.   More and more, couples are showing up in conjoint therapy because 1) their partner invests too much time logged into social media, games, porn, and text conversations, or 2) private relationships and conversations generated on the device have increased distrust and insecurity.  Eventually this continual distancing will erode the relationship.  Fourth, smart phones have changed the way people relate at family and social events.  It is not uncommon to see people at such gatherings absorbed with either texting, selfie-ing, snap-chatting, or even playing games when they are in the company of others.  These non-verbal behaviors serve to keep other’s away rather than bringing them together. Fifth, smart phones can create confusion and misunderstanding between people.  Because there is the inherent expectation of immediate response, people are unable to make true sense of the motivation behind messages and the delayed reply text.   Worse yet is when there is break up or no reply at all – it may be easier for avoidant folks to communicate this way, but those on the receiving end feel rejected and devalued.  

Research studies have been very consistent about the need for interpersonal communication between humans which happens through verbal and non-verbal communication.  Eye contact, smiling, tone of voice, and attunement are critical body language components in the foundation of attachment and security in human beings.  If we are looking down, rather than into each other’s eyes, is it any wonder that human beings are experiencing more isolation and loneliness than ever before?   If this is true, should we not be concerned of the consequences of this wall?

Obviously, smart phones are here to stay – we have been trained to expect immediate results where communication is concerned and many smart phone features add to our safety and convenience.   However, we must acknowledge that, despite the benefits, smart phones have allowed us to sacrifice relating in the way human beings require.  The first step is to increase awareness that smart phones have the potential to set up walls.  Once understood, perhaps we can find ways to talk to each other and put our phones face down when we are in the same room with our friends, partners, and families.  Consequently, we will have connected by letting things from outside in, and things from the inside out.

“We can never have a serious conversation!” “She never has time for me!” “He never helps with the housework!” Any of these complaints sound familiar?  We all get frustrated with our partners at some point in our relationships. How different these statements are from the statements we make about our partners when we first fall in love. “She has the best sense of humor.” “I love how she takes such good care of her friends and family.” “He really knows how to relax and have fun!” On first glance, these two sets of statements may seem like polar opposites, but looking more closely you may find that they are not so unrelated. The joking you loved when you started dating, may now seem to be the root of all your relationship problems. Your partners constant care taking of others may now be getting in the way of the two of you spending time together. What is one of your deepest frustrations with your partner? What attracted you to your partner when you first met? Do you see any commonalities?
  
If you were to make a list of the things you love about your partner and the things that frustrate you, you may start to notice they are not so different. Why then do we pick the people we pick? One reason is that some of the traits that attract us are representative of lost pieces of ourselves. We all get messages from our caregivers growing up that shape our values, beliefs, and behavior. These messages encourage some aspects of our being and discourage others. For instance, you may have gotten all your mom’s attention when you sat and read books together, but were told repeatedly to, “Sit still” or “Lower your voice.” Is it now surprising that you value your thinking skills and hold in the more physical side of yourself? As human beings though, we are not just thinkers, we also have physical, emotional, and sensing sides that need to be expressed. The light bulbs should be going on now. One reason we choose our partners is that we see in them traits we have lost in ourselves!
 
So why does this cause problems later in the relationship? That is because we still carry with us those messages from childhood. We still hear in our heads, “Stop wasting time fooling around and study” or “Lower your voice!”. It is then that your partners “contagious laugh” becomes “loud and embarrassing” or his passion for fun feels like a distraction from an important conversation or task. All you want now is for her to laugh more quietly or him to be serious. You want your partner to change!  

​So how has that been working for you? Probably not well as the sense of humor is a core aspect of your partner and would be difficult if not impossible to change. Worse yet, if she did change, you probably would not be attracted to her anymore. Does this mean you need to leave the relationship and find someone else? No, not necessarily. Chances are you would choose a similar personality type again because you will still be attracted to the same traits. The solution then is not to change your environment or your partner, but to begin a change within yourself. This self-examination can be done through couples or individual counseling. Within this framework, a skilled, supportive therapist can assist you in discovering why you choose who you choose. You will also learn how to use this information to improve your current relationship, or to ensure better relationships in the future. By looking at what your frustrations say about you, and not what they say about your partner, you can change, “Please be serious for once” back into “I love how you make me laugh”. 

​Dawn Ringer is an MFT Intern (Reg. # 93899) working with individuals and couples under Carine Keenan, LMFT#80427 at Woodland Hills Counseling. Dawn works on a sliding fee scale. Please call for a free 20-minute consultation. Start improving your relationships today!

Psychotherapy – What are the Benefits of Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy and counseling (aka talk therapy) has many benefits.  At the crux of therapy is the client's desire to improve themselves or their situation in order  to reduce ego dystonic symptoms (symptoms which are uncomfortable)    Therapy is most effective when it is the decision of the patient who is experiencing distress.  Having "skin in the game" is crucial to the positive outcome of therapy.  Through therapy, one can learn life skills, hone communication, acquire self motivation, and master the ability to relate and connect with others.   The end of therapy is reached when the client's symptoms are relieved -- this usually takes place when the client is able to recognize the patterns which yield a poor out come and consciously take a different course of action.  This usually requires change which is generally difficult and doesn't happen overnight. 

One treatment system focuses on returning a normal life to those with extreme nervous tensions and fears or phobias.  Psychotherapy is the treatment for mental, emotional and behavioral disorders using words rather than drugs.  Patients can discuss their treatment with Carine Keenan to find the treatment best suited to their personal needs.

The benefits of psychotherapy are more easily recognized over time.  The more commonly recognized benefits of psychotherapy are obscure in the short term but become apparent in a time case study of each patient.

Sometimes psychotherapy for depression and anxiety will go hand in hand with medications for reducing symptoms which the combination seems to have better results than either one by itself.  Intellectual treatment transforms traumatic experiences into a “story” about the trauma which is much easier for the psyche to manage and often used after horrific accidents, lost of loved ones and specific war trauma.  Psychotherapy for depression and anxiety usually works with a mediator or the family and focuses heavily on the language used to discuss the trauma.

Insurance companies will ask your counselor if the treatment is valid and necessary and could require that treatment be only done in a residential treatment facility or under hospital care.  If this treatment method is not being specifically studied by the doctors, psychotherapists, hospitals, insurance and other medical professions, then it is often ignored and not offered.

Although psychotherapy consists of clearly specific treatments and defined characteristics, there is no specific length of time required for psychotherapy.  Some psychotherapy treatment plans are for several months and some can continue for years.

Psychotherapy treatment is based on five core principles of the accepted principles of psychology.  It is often recommended for foster children and those children considered to be “at risk”, but legal disputes tend to reduce its effectiveness.  Psychotherapy and counseling are also often recommended for Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorders, Personality Disorders and Drug and Alcohol Dependency.  It is a non-medication alternative for the treatment of ADHD.

For psychotherapy for depression and anxiety, contact Carine Keenan, psychotherapy for counseling today.

In today’s society, which is characterized by constant decay of existing social values and modification of the way we plan and organize our daily lives, we are faced with increased demands and changes. The changes relate to the way we live and maintain our relationships with family members, children, partners, relatives, and friends, the way we deal with stress, achieve goals, and keep our own life under control. Normal flow of living often comes to a halt that sometimes leads to a seemingly insurmountable emotions pertaining to both internal and external issues. These are situations that can be characterized as a crises, and can turn into serious delays and psychosomatic problems. 

And these are the situations when we need psychotherapeutic help and support. So, stop for a moment and accept help of Woodland Hills therapist Carine Keenan because she offers the most honest and personal help in the area.

We all sometimes feel sad, frustrated, worried or let down by the world around us. These are normal emotions and feelings that tell us how close or far away we are, from the kind of life we ​​want to lead. Most of the people find themselves in a situation where these emotions just do not want to go, preoccupy us over a long period and see how we do not make it possible to lead a full and productive life. Damaging our relations with the people that matter, can make it difficult to carry out our business or schoolwork. 

To deal with it, we often resort to tactics that give only short-term relief, but on the long term they may endanger our health. If we decide to oversleep during hard times, we feel physically ill and less willing to move on. If we resort to liquor, cigarettes, drugs or illegal substances to calm us down and relax, it will create an addiction and undermine your health. It will ultimately be way more difficult to lead a full and productive life. It is good to seek support and assistance.

If there is a need for psychotherapy for children and adolescents, it is important to note that it is very different from psychotherapy of adults, and this applies in particular to the role of the therapist and the relationship and cooperation with their parents. This is vital regarding the acceptance of the therapy from the patient. Carine Keenan is a greatly experienced therapist in Woodland Hills renowned for dealing with this kind of relationship. She knows that the role of therapists in such situations is very complex so she creates safety, takes responsibility for border-making and ethics of the process, and the internal mental processes of the child. 

Therefore, stop and allow yourself to accept the help needed in order to calmly and confidently go on with yours and your family’s life.